Fuck a love story

getting “in tune” with my emotions

i block them out

so no one could hurt me

I’ve been hurt just like everyone else the difference 

i wasn’t willing to open myself up again until today 

i just hope i don’t get fucked over

but even if i do ill never let myself lose my emotions again

they are too important too beautiful to be put to waste 

the hope that i have lets me know I’m changing 

its an exciting time for me 

give myself away

sex.

its something that everyone my age is bombarded with daily.

why is sex so important though?why must it be a make or break type thing?

9 moths ago i made a promise to myself i said self your a beautiful girl why are you giving yourself away without a care in the world.your taking so many risks just for sex.then i answered myself and said I DONT KNOW…simple i didn’t know why i was being reckless about sex and i knew that it needed to stop immediately so i basically made a promise to myself.

the promise:i will not have sex until i feel like i have found someone who is going to be a stamp in my life.a guy that is going to love and respect me and also respect my perspective on sex.he is just going to have to understand that i am coin this for myself and if he really wants ME he will understand.

so here we are nine months later and of course I’ve had some temptation here and there but i have remained strong and motivated because honestly i never really do things for myself that i can be proud of and this was something i was doing for that reason.

anyway here comes a boy

now backstory i have been on a mini dry spell ever since i started college I’m just so use to guys always being on my sack so when i went away and it wasn’t like that it was a major shock.

so like i was saying before here comes a guy and he’s sweet and not an asshole but at the same time he’s not giving me as much as I’m giving him but at the end of the day he still wants to have sex with me.

so now heres my dilemma what should i do i want to keep this promise to myself but i don’t want to lose this guy and i don’t want him to lose interest because I’m pretty sure that i have feelings for him.idk what to do because i mean nine months is a long time for a girl like me.im not tryna get into details but I’m a freak I’m sexually driven so imagine the frustration in my heart right now

anyways the thoughts that run through my mind about this situation go a lil something like this

1.after i have sex with him how will i feel

2.after i have sex with him will he just toss me to the side like a piece of trash

3.what is this going to do for my self esteem 

4.if i don’t give it up will he stop talking to me

5.why do i have to have sex with him 

6.what are his true intentions for us well me actually

7.is sex worth it

i just don’t know one part of me is like girrrrrrl do it do it do it the other part of me is saying be strong don’t give in your doing so good.

so deep 

i don’t know 

i just do not know.

Get intimate with me. now.

• 01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?he just caught my eye so simple
• 02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you?nothing
• 03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night?shit i have no clue
• 04: what are you listening to?wiz khalifa
• 05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to?going back to school
• 06: where do you think your best friend is right now?at home or at work
• 07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days?yepp (:
• 08: sex on the first date?haha probably not maybe when I'm super grown
• 09: kiss on the first date?yeah why not
• 10: is there one person you want to be with right now?not really
• 11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life?not really i have so much more to accomplish
• 12: is there something you would like to say to someone?haha so much to say
• 13: what are three things you did today?sent out invitations did my hair and went to a grad party
• 14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over?sleep over there
• 15: what is your favorite kind of gum?5 the kind that smells like liquor my best friend hates it
• 16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends?yupp all except one
• 17: what is on your wrists right now?nothing
• 18: ever liked someone you thought you didn't stand a chance with?hhahaha have i omg all the time
• 19: does anyone have strong feelings for you?pschhh naaah
• 20: are you slowly drifting away from someone?no sir
• 21: have you ever wasted your time on someone?oh lord yesss fuck niggas
• 22: can you do the alphabet in sign language?nope
• 23: how have you felt today?bored
• 24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?clothes
• 25: what is wrong with you right now?im bored
• 26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in?my father all the time ughhh
• 27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now?starbucks
• 28: why aren't you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore?because he is immature and a dick to me so we aren't friends or "in love" -____-
• 29: how late did you stay up last night and why?like 2 i was on the internet
• 30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?right now
• 31: what were you doing an hour ago?getting home from a grad party
• 32: what are you looking forward to in the next month?xmas and new years (:
• 33: are you wearing jeans right now?nope
• 34: are you a patient person?hell no
• 35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?pschhh that aint shit i can last in one forever
• 36: favourite color?blue
• 37: did you have a dream last night?mmhmm
• 38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pyjama pants?none of those panties nigga
• 39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be?nicholas
• 40: do you love anyone who is not related to you?my friends
• 41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?mhmm
• 42: do you like meeting new people?sometimes
• 43: are you afraid of falling in love?nope i wish i could do it again its so fun
• 44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself?nonya bizz
• 45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?yessss
• 46: have you ever felt like you weren't good enough?all day erredayy
• You guys know I love these. ;p

Wanna be nosy. . . heres your chance

• IM BORED
• 0: Height-5'5
• 1: Virgin?ha ha no sir
• 2: Shoe Size-10
• 3: Do you Smoke?-uhmm weed
• 4: Do you Drink?-yess
• 5: Do you take drugs?-nope
• 6: Age you get mistaken for-22 aloooot
• 7: Have Tattoos?-one on my ankle
• 8: Want any tattoos?-yessss only a few more tho
• 9: Got any Piercings?-yesss ears
• 10: Want any Piercings?my nose
• 11: Best friend?lethe lanus tay how ebbie moore mason w and lexxx d
• 12: Relationship status-single af af af
• 13: Biggest turn ons-tall dark skin
• 14: Biggest turn offs-bad hygiene
• 15: Favorite Movie-omg all harry potter
• 16: I’ll love you if-you love me back (:
• 17: Someone you miss-haha my ex
• 18: Most traumatic experience-lawd the night my mom found out i was having sex
• 19: A fact about your personality-im mean lol
• 20: What I hate most about myself-my gut
• 21: What I love most about myself-my face
• 22: What I want to be when I get older-party planner interior decorator or i wanna work in public relations
• 23: My relationship with my sibling(s)-love my 3 lil stars
• 24: My relationship with my parent(s)-love em both hate em both lol
• 25: My idea of a perfect date-smoking pot and going bowling
• 26: My biggest pet peeves-when people lean on me
• 27: A description of the girl/boy I like-tall af dark skin baby face always wearing jordans etc.
• 28: A description of the person I dislike the most-i don't dislike anyone
• 29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend-spare feeling but that doesn't happen often
• 30: What I hate the most about work/school-the work part
• 31: What y last text message says-we gotta do better
• 32: What words upset me the most-when guys call girls bitch
• 33: What words make me feel the best about myself-beautiful
• 34: What I find attractive in women-smiles and big booties
• 35: What I find attractive in men-talllllllll darkkkk good convo smart and independent
• 36: Where I would like to live-atl ga FOREVER
• 37: One of my insecurities-my gut
• 38: My childhood career choice-dentist lol
• 39: My favorite ice cream flavor-cake batter
• 40: Who wish I could be-beyonce lol
• 41: Where I want to be right now-where i am in my warm soft bed
• 42: The last thing I ate-jamaican food
• 43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately-chris brown
• 44: A random fact about anything-i love to be in love

Starting Over:

i took me a whole day to understand this concept.i literally sat with this title open on my blog all day trying to figure out how i would start this.i figured i would just say that starting over is one of the hardest things to do.im talking about starting over with someone new of course.its something that has been on my mind a lot lately.ive been wondering is starting over worth it?the whole process is just so exhausting that i tend to wonder is it really worth it because how will it all end.this generation is so screwed up and that makes everyone scared to open up to anything that could potentially be real.at the end of the day aren’t we all gunna just end up hurt any way?so what exactly is the point.i myself have been trying to start over for the longest time now but the only thing I’ve really learned is that none of the guys or girls that i messed with were shit and neither am i really.why is this though?why must we all be so guarded at such a young age?what is the real reason no one can stay together?is it because no one wants to put 100% into anything or is it just because everyone thinks like me and feel that laziness in their heart.why must it be so hard to just get to know someone date them and potentially be with them?what is it that makes everyone so closed off?i just don’t understand the concept.i wish everyone could be open to something new and want to find someone special. 

to be continued…